Rules Of Engagement

Sooner or later in each marriage couples will face a conflict situation. Some of these conflicts cannot be manage without a controlled fight with biblical boundaries to ensure that couples reach an agreement.

Each couple need to have some boundaries or rules that guides them through these fights. Here are some examples of rules or boundaries in fighting.

Early in our marraige Cheryl and I realised that we needed some boundaries to assist us when a conflict situation arises. Here are the rules in fighting that we received from different resources that helped us in conflict situations.

1. Control Your Self

James 1:19 Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.

Ideas to help you control yourself.

1.1 Agree to postpone the conversation until everyone cooled down.

1.2 Count to 20 or 30 before you respond. It will give you time to think before you speak.

1.3 For 1 minute fall in love with your spouse’s idea before you respond.

2. Listen Properly

Agree on the following.

2.1 Listen with the attitude that your mate’s comments are top priority and needs to be given attention and interest.

2.2 Listen with the attitude of acceptance and willingness to change.

2.3 Listen with an attitude of wanting clarification. Ask questions and paraphrase in order to get the meaning of the message.

2.4 Be willing to hear what God may want to say through your mate.

3. Avoid Character Assisanation

Avoid name calling. The intend of name calling is not to find solutions but to inflict emotional pain. Name calling will only make things worse.

4. Be Proportional

Do not overact. Avoid emotional outburst. Let your respond be proportional to the situation.

5. Keep It Real

5.1 Keep it honest.

5.2 Deal with the real issues. Many times couples fight about issues and they do not bring up the real issues.

6. Remain Goal Orientated

Some fights continue long after the goal has been reached. This happens many times when one or both couples do not want to forgive.

7. Forgive

Ephesians 4;32  And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

8. Take It Private and Keep It Private

Do not fight in front of the children. Children do not have to deal with adult matters.

9. Keep It Relevant

Identify and know what the problem is. Deal with one issue at a time.

10. Retreat In Dignity

The secret in making sure that no fight will damage your relationship lays in how you end the fight. Always allow your partner to retreat in dignity. Always allow your partner retreat with the security that it does not matter what happened, you will never leave him/her.

11. Never Use the D-word

Never use the divorce word in your arguements. Do not let divorce or seperation be an option. Do not create any insecurity in your partner that you might leave him or her.

Use the or loose them

Cheryl and I have discovered when we use these rules, our conflict is manage every time and our relationship is strenghten. When we do not use these boundaries in fighting things always get worse before we change and than things gets better. So use them or loose them.

One counselor (Dr Anthony van Tonder) introduce the acronym for fights as a method.

• F – Face each other
• I – Isolate the issue (one issue at a time)
• G – Guard your tongue (no name calling & no raising of voice)
• H – Halt history ( no refering to the past)
• T – Touch (hold hands or even just touch the shoulder/ also be in touch by listening)
• S – Stay in there (Even if it is pos

Save Your Marriage

Reasons why you should not give up on your marriage.

1. It is not too late

Do not allow yourself to believe and accept that it is too late. If you do you will think your way out of this relationship before you have the chance to save it. You need to understand that your judgement will be clouded by the hurt, the pain, the sense of failure and defeat, but the reality is, there is always hope. Many times people fail because they do not have professional help.

Even if you hurt so badly and you feel that you cannot take the pain; even if you are tired of tired and you have no more motivation or hope left – be willing to give yourself one more chance.

2. You are not alone

Bewilderment, feelings of demoralization, loneliness, intimidation and being overwhelmed by the hurt and problems is what is generally experienced by a deteriorating relationship. You need to understand that you are not alone. There are hundreds of people who have been through similar situations and against all odds, they have made it through.

Another reason why you are not alone is because there are people who genuinely care for you and who are willing to walk you through this process of restoration and healing. There are also many resources available in the form of books, CD’s, DVDs and workshops or marraige enrichment groups from which you may benefit.

3. The price you pay is too high

The price that you pay for divorce is a very high price. There is never a “winner” in a divorce case. Each individual leaves with wounded emotions. Most people never receive emotional healing from the wounds that have been caused by a divorce. When it comes to emotional wounds, time does not heal. There are specific steps that need to be taken to find closure and healing. According to statistics the chance of ever finding a healthy marriage relationship in the future is very slim.

Most of the time the baggages of the old relationship find their way into the new relationship and a new cycle of hurt and pain begins. If there are children involved in the relationship, they pay the greatest price. The emotional damage that a divorce causes to children cannot be measured. It causes them to enter their own marriage relationships with a disadvantage; decreasing their chances of success in marriage.

4. Your marraige and family is worth fighting for

Marriages and family are so important in society that they are worth fighting for. When families functions as they are supposed to function it proves to be such a blessing to the individual family members that it cannot be exchanged for anything else in the world.

The family is the building block of society. If the family suffers, society suffers. If the family falls apart, our society falls apart. The strenght of a nation is measured by the strenght of the families in that nation. Fight for your marriage and fight for your family.

5. God is able

When things look impossible for man, all things are possible with God. Through prayer you can change your marriage around. Prayer is invading the impossibility. The closer you draw to God the closer you will draw to your partner. The more spiritually mature you become the more healthier your relationship with your spouse will be. Seek God in prayer for your marriage and draw closer to Him in an intimate relatiosnhip. He will give you the strenght that you need to carry on.

Join Us

If you are in the Kimberley area, we invite you to join our Marraige & Family enrichment small group. For more information call our office at 053 832 1851 between 09H00 and 13H00 from Monday to Friday or e-mail us at hispeoplekimberley@vodamail.co.za